After the storm…
by bkajlich
hi. here I am. Today was 6 months to the day that we said goodbye for now. I haven’t written here because I felt like the only thing I’d keep writing about would be my grief about my papa… and to be fair even he would have hated that. So I waited until I arrived here…
And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
I have played this song by Mumford and Sons a traflapazillion times in the last few months. I know that’s not a real number, but the real ones didn’t sound like enough times. And if you still haven’t caught my drift, you’re an idiot and I played it a LOT. I played it by myself, I played it with my family, I played it with passengers in my car, I played it with my pooches…and even they cried. It just was the right song at the right time. I’d like to thank those Mumford boys, and also maybe just submit a small inquiry as to how Marcus Mumford happens to have 3 children that look remarkably close to his own age….
bad jokes aside…
Rilke wrote:
The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time,
and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.
What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.
In the same poem(which is called “The Man Watching” read the full poem here ) my favorite line comes at the end…
“winning does not tempt that man. He grows by being defeated, decisively, by constantly greater beings.”
wow. just wow. Grief is one of the big guns, and in a way… you just have to let it defeat you. Doesn’t mean you don’t put up a big fight. But it’s not about winning. It’s about letting it break you down, tear you open; ripping out all that you have left within and poking its fingers inside your most delicate, fleshy parts. It’s about keeping your humor intact and your heart OH YOUR HEART open open open while everything inside you is screaming to shut it the fuck down. It’s about the realization that what you were before will never ever exist again. It is knowing that you must. go. through. this. because life lives and breathes on the other side. It is acceptance at it’s most brutally raw core.
After the storm, I’m still picking up the pieces. Have a feeling I will be for some time. But as my sister says, “May we never be defeated by anything or anyone less than the greatest”. And my dad was just that. From here on out, my goal is to get back to the original spirit of this blog. Or as my dad would have said, “Sheet got-dammit! Vat eez dis sheet?!”
…. with grace in my heart, and flowers in my hair. xxb
Wow. It never fails to amaze me how graciously you can express what you are feeling, it’s beautiful.
It’s great to hear you are coming out of the other end of your dark times. As you said, your father would have wanted you to be happy and you should do it for him, if not yet for yourself
God bless.
Tracy
xx
Grief….how powerful it is. Yet, its one of the emotions, or maybe its just a state of mind, that reminds us we are human. Fret not though, we are all “picking up pieces” from the remnants of which we have been so lovingly vested in at one time or another!
You are so gifted, intelligent and kind hearted. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us B! I personally look forward to more entries from you, ANY place it comes from!
Alan
Your words were missed. Loss only becomes tolerable over time. The memories never leave. Good thoughts & prayers to your family.
These words speak so true: It’s about letting it break you down, tear you open; ripping out all that you have left within and poking it’s fingers inside your most delicate fleshy parts. It’s about keeping your humor intact and your heart OH YOUR HEART open open open while everything inside you is screaming to shut it the fuck down. It’s about the realization that what you were before will never ever exist again.
This is beautiful Bianca. You and your mother have such ways…my girlfriend is going through a devastating divorce and though I am not comparing the two losses, I sent this to her because I really felt her loss in your words. You are an inspiration…
What you said in this post really touched me. I’ve recently been lost in my own grief and I know what it feels like to realize that you will never again be the same person. What you said gives me hope… that “life lives and breathes on the other side”. Amazing. Thank you for your beautiful words.
Sometimes in the grief we feel, it can seem impossible to see the beauty around us and the beauty we still have within.
I cannot, nor will I, say that I know what you are feeling. I have never experienced it, nor do I think I would want to. Know this, the words you wrote WILL change someones outlook if they are experiencing the same pain as you.
You will come through all of this clean. Its always darkest before the dawn.
Mahalo.
Soooobbb! Happy to see you write again my darling daughter. Six months, six….impossible. I love you. xxx
I too know your grief…it took me quite some time (a time frame I am not so quick to admit) to really truly grieve my mother’s death. But I too know that she would not want me to let her death defeat me in my life and your words are so powerful and poetic. Thank you for always being so brave to share what it is you feel so that some of us know that we are not alone. Thank you.
So sorry for your loss.
Being a Dad of two wonderful girls I am often cognizant of the memories I will leave them when I am gone (hopefully way down the road).
I should be so lucky to have them both miss me and look up to me half as much as you do your “Apu”.
Sincerely