All is full of Love.
by bkajlich
Tonight I’m just gonna be honest.
Ha.
As if I can be anything but.
Lately I have many thoughts swimming through this brain, like separate schools of fish that mingle and kiss as they pause to change direction. For some reason everything seems brighter, sharper, more tangible. When I walk the dogs I’ve stopped listening to music or talking on the phone because I can’t stop swallowing whole gulps of the world around me. I can. not. stop. reading. I, no joke, have about 10 books scattered around my bed and dinner table. I feel like I am eating the most substantially delectable home cooked meal, made up of all that my mind and body have ever needed or desired. Do I sound crazy? I don’t care. For the first time, in a long time, I am content.
One of my teachers recently told me that when she first set out on the journey within herself, she was told by her teacher that it was the beginning of the end of loneliness.
Here is where the real honesty comes in: I have been lonely all of my life.
Not for lack of friends. Obviously ABSOLUTELY not from lack of family. Never because I didn’t have enough to do or to be. I just always felt that something was missing. That for whatever reason I wasn’t accessing something that I knew could open me up to an entirely different way of life and feeling, and healing, and loving. I remember as a child, sitting and watching my father while he read at the kitchen table. His forehead creased, deep in thought. At that young age, I sensed a deep sadness within him. Years later, after I dropped out of college and was trying to desperately find myself… I came across my first Rilke poem. It rocked me. I was blown away that this person from another time and place was able to encapsulate the very essence of what, at that time, was absolutely breaking my heart. I will never forget sitting on the floor of the local library, buried under a pile of books, and reading:
“I beg you, be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
I came home, locked myself in my room, and read every piece of Rilke I could get my hands on. Later that night I joined my father in the kitchen and noticing my puffy eyes he asked, “what is it that has you so afraid?”. I told him that I was sure that no one would ever truly understand me. I will never forget the gentleness and love in his voice as he put his arms around me and murmured, “But sweetie, don’t you know that is the best part?”
I often think about that moment as one of the very pivotal points in my young life. It made it okay to delve in deeper, to look at my time spent in solace as a gift. To realize that it didn’t matter if no one understood me, as long as I understood myself. It’s what drives me to come here and post. I suppose because as my search within deepens I have found a truth that I want to share with all of you. Something that is so utterly simplistic and basic, and yet so many of us travel great lengths in the wrong ass direction to find it. If only we could wrap our minds, NO, if only we could wrap our HEARTS around the idea that the greatest lesson we need to learn, must be taught to us by OURSELVES.
As I sat next to my father’s hospital bed, the night before he died, I racked my brain for what I wanted to say to him. He was unconscious, but I knew that no matter the state of his brain, he could hear me in his heart. I thought about how in life, we often think about this day… what will you say to the one you love when it’s time to say goodbye for now? I always thought there would be a laundry list of items. So many things to say.
In that moment there was only one.
I just wanted him to know how much I loved him.
In the most awful, terrible moment of my life… I was so acutely aware of the love. In fact, it prevailed over any other emotion.
All is love. All is full of love.
You are love. I am love.
This is the lesson that you must teach yourself. NOPE, It’s not enough to nod your head and say yeah yeah yeah. You have to FEEL it people. I want you to KNOW it. I want you to feel it pull at you from your insides in such a way that if I were to turn you inside out I would be smacked in the face, blinded and burned, blown away by the fucking cacophony of love bliss pouring out your veins and arteries and organs and bones. How do you know if your own assuredness of love is in question? Have you felt lonely in this lifetime? Do you search for contentment through money and toys and houses and success and AND AND AND OTHER PEOPLE…. LOVERS, FRIENDS,RELATIONSHIPS???
BE FUCKING HONEST!
DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE LOVE???
And the fact that some of you are rolling your eyes and calling this new age bullshit (I mean I’m shocked if those same people have even continued reading this far) is ABSOLUTE PROOF that this subject matter makes us so uncomfortable that we believe the only people who think or feel this way tote around yoga mats and go barefoot and naked, singing kumbaya in the rain.
If there is a part of you that longs for something more. That wonders why life feels so difficult at times. If you feel like you can’t catch a break, or that it seems that everywhere you look there’s heartbreak, and sorrow, and fear. Stop what you are doing. Stop right now. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Now turn within. See inside yourself; if it’s dark as hell, that’s okay. Darkness is just the absence of light, so we’re gonna bring a little in… imagine a small speck of glitter, a tiny particle of light…. it twinkles at first, and now it’s starting to grow. It doesn’t have to get too big, there’s plenty of time for that. Just let it be. You’ve just planted your first seed. It’ll be there whenever you need to check back in. Try to allow yourself to understand how deliciously perfect you are in this moment. and the next. and the next. And the more that you accept that the fact that no one else is like you is UH-maaaaaaaazing, the more that little glitter seed will blossom. I’m talking the biggest baddest 1970′s dance floor where you take the main stage and everyone’s bathed in the luscious light of your multi-faceted disco ball o’ LOVE.
All is love. All is full of love. You are love.
Doesn’t matter if you believe me or not, you are. I hope one day you will see. The beauty is, once you see it in yourself, you will recognize it in everyone else. And that will be the end of loneliness as you know it.
I slip in and out of the Sea at night with this
Amazed soul I have.
I am like a magnificent, magic ocean turtle
Who sets aside his vast wings of
Blue effulgence
When I crawl upon your shores
To leave my divine seed of verse.
Let me remain cryptic tonight
All the way till dawn
As I orbit God
In this holy, ecstatic mood.
Grab hold of the corners
Of my luminous, tender shell
And I will whirl for you,
For I am covered with eminent crystals
That I have gathered from the infinite depths
Of love.
Follow my tracks in the sand that lead
Beyond thought and space,
For I can see deep down
That you are really a golden bird
That needs to
Dance
~Hafiz
xxB
Brilliance once again. Peering inside is always the most difficult, but once people do, it’s resolves everything else.
Google STIRRINGS STILL by Samuel Beckett. It’s like 4 pages of mindnumbing amazement. It’s about loss & moving on. I believe you will appreciate it with your father’s recent passing.
Beckett was a great writer. He’d write stuff in French then translate it back to English word for word. A lot made no sense upon first look, but eventually it does.
Hmm. I’d rather figure out how to make money in this world than be understood.
It’s actually true that you would rather focus on your security,than worry about how people may understand you.Though there is something more to relationships and people than there is in money.Money will buy you everything except the love that people have to offer you,just imagine someone on their deathbed,how much sense would all the money in the world make to them at that point if not the love of his loved ones?with the right relationships,the right understanding of people and the right understanding of yourself,making money could be the easiest thing you will ever experience.just think about it.
Amazing!! B, read The Prophet by Khalil Gibran so heart-warming! XO
I’ve been sitting here for the past hour trying to come up with a way to articulate how deeply this spoke to me. I still feel as if anything I could possibly say would be inadequate so I’ll say this: THANK YOU.
Beautifully written, thought provoking and inspiring. I really needed this.
It’s always interesting when you think you’re the only one in the world who feels a certain way and then you read someone writing something as though they’ve pulled it out of your own mind..
I actually ran off to live and work in s*audi A*rabia just to hide from my friends and family because i got to a point that i just couldn’t relate or interact with them anyore.. i would touch on my problems and they would come up with the most unrealistic solutions or ideas (most involved that finding a guy and getting married would solve everything) i just didn’t have the energy to even pretend.. as much as i was surrounded with so many people who loved me, i just felt i didn’t have anything in common or anything i wanted to share with them anymore..
So, now, living out here in the middle of knowhere, i live my little life through facebook and twitter.. i check in and then check out.. still no happier than when i was at home..
It was an awkward moment when i realised that the problem is me and not them.. and i ran a million miles away from the real world to work that out.. especially to a country that doesn’t have alcohol to help me wallow.. lol
Could do with a good glass of wine right now!
You are actually right,many at times we tend to think that the real cause of everything happening to us is everything that surrounds us,except us!and we forget to work on what we should have worked on,which could have possibly been the best thing to our development.like you said,getting a boy friend would have made it worse,i promise…and running away is not always going to solve the problem,the most important thing is to first realize what it is that you are living for.if you can answer that,then it’s going to be easy to find ground to step on when moving.and for now,i would strongly recommend that you look at your past life,as a child,an adult perhaps now,what have you always viewed your life like,what makes you happy?,what inspire you to do the things that make you happy?what would you want to see your perfect world like?what dreams have you always had?I know this might sound kiddish,but it’s no doubt that questions like these have helped me reshape my future esp. when I feel no one understands me and is willing to understand me.
Happiness and Love; A way of Life!
JT
Yes, and now you know what you always knew…sigh. I read this recently from an unknown author: “Love has great potential to enrich your life. But if you are just playing a role, pretending to love, it’s only going to poison you. Because you are teaching yourself that it’s just a game, and slowly but surely you will lose the capacity to open in love.” Just a general cautionary note (not to you…because I know your journey). It’s a bit of work to surrender oneself; you can’t just make up your mind to love. We must really open our hearts to it.
I hope Cyberquill was just kidding…or has my sympathy. Most of us would rather have money than not – but life without love is nothing. xxx
I see you.
[...] Tonight I'm just gonna be honest. Ha. As if I can be anything but. Lately I have many thoughts swimming through this brain, like separate schools of fish that mingle and kiss as they pause to change direction. For some reason everything seems brighter, sharper, more tangible. When I walk the dogs I've stopped listening to music or talking on the phone because I can't stop … Read More [...]
Thank you.
Bianca,
I guess it doesn’t matter how I ended up reading your blog for the first time tonight, only that I did. And first want to say, what an amazing, insightful and intelligent person you are – and that’s no BS rather just the simple plain truth spoken as an observer.
I too have felt alone, an individual all by myself for nearly 35 years now, this was only compounded by loosing my mom and dad about 4 years ago now, leaving no family and little friends. And yet I really understand what you mean when you say “One of my teachers recently told me that when she first set out on the journey within herself, she was told by her teacher that it was the beginning of the end of loneliness.
Here is where the real honesty comes in: I have been lonely all of my life.”
I’ve often wondered if anyone else felt this way, but was to embarrassed to ask anyone about it, afterall it might seem like I’m nuts right?
Honestly I haven’t quite comprehended the poetry, I’ll take time to review that later, another time and place.
BUT the revelation that a complete stranger living a completely different life in a different time and place – was truly a wonder, IT HIT HOME !!!
In closing, I want to say thank you for your provocative kick-ass, get up and do something about it message, I get the nay sayers all naying – aaaaaahhhhhhhh what do they know.
Much appreciated – I’m going to find my sparkle of light,
{Words I live by, “Say what you mean, Mean what you say and Don’t say what you don’t mean”}
Be Well,
Tim W
Interesting and such meaningful words. Thank you.
Thanks BK! !
I too felt as you. I admitted to myself about 5 years ago that I was lonely, after nearly 40 years on this beautiful earth. It was at that time that I really made a distinction between lonely and alone. I was damn lonely!!!!! It was then that I read a book that a friend had introduced me to some twenty years earlier, Napolean Hills’, “Think and Grow Rich”. I rejected the book based on the tile because I thought it was about some get rich quick crap, even though he persisted that it wasn’t. I no longer judge books nor people by their cover. The book opened up my hunger to not only understand myself, but opened my eyes to the fact that as I think; I do; I am; I be;
I have read many other books, and seen dvd’s that have helped me along this journey. My favorite is the bible. It’s the ultimate story of true love. The words never disappoint!
It was tough, being a guy and all, to allow myself to be comfortable enough in my mind to admit lonliness, that it didn’t make me less of man. I felt so compelled to share my new found feelings, that actually, opened up to two my closest buddies about what I was going through and learning, and the surprising thing is that they opened up about things in their lives that I never new. And we had been friends for nearly 23 years at that time. Wow! I love these guys like brothers, and never knew these things.
Thanks again!
As my nephews would say, “BK, you aight!!
May you always have His love, peace, and blessings.
Living in the moment, being present, finding meaning beyond possessions, knowing yourself – all of these themes are prominent in Buddhism. It made me wonder if you had looked into Buddhism at all? It’s more of a philosophy rather than a religion, it may speak to you! Best, T.
You just made me remember the years when my search was the most adventurous. I became a christian after being an atheist. Got baptized on the river. Then going through right and left tantra, different types of yoga… Trying to capture that essence of feeling of love towards someone so it would not go away with that person. Living on a margin of life as a spectator, feeling unworthy and ugly, until trying mdma and realizing that change in attitude and feeling of self worth totally changed the way people perceived me. If you cant really feel , love, inside yourself, without other people then you can’ really give love to someone else. When you radiate that love, you attract other people. Many for all the wrong reasons, but thats the way things are…. And you can’t really talk about it. You have to live it.
Thank you for making me relive powerful flashbacks
And I remember once I was really down, listening to this song, crying and just repeating the lyrics, hitting myself with my hand on the forehead, like I was trying to convince myself that it was just a problem in my perception and nothing else.