Tonight I’m just gonna be honest.
As if I can be anything but.
Lately I have many thoughts swimming through this brain, like separate schools of fish that mingle and kiss as they pause to change direction. For some reason everything seems brighter, sharper, more tangible. When I walk the dogs I’ve stopped listening to music or talking on the phone because I can’t stop swallowing whole gulps of the world around me. I can. not. stop. reading. I, no joke, have about 10 books scattered around my bed and dinner table. I feel like I am eating the most substantially delectable home cooked meal, made up of all that my mind and body have ever needed or desired. Do I sound crazy? I don’t care. For the first time, in a long time, I am content.
One of my teachers recently told me that when she first set out on the journey within herself, she was told by her teacher that it was the beginning of the end of loneliness.
Here is where the real honesty comes in: I have been lonely all of my life.
Not for lack of friends. Obviously ABSOLUTELY not from lack of family. Never because I didn’t have enough to do or to be. I just always felt that something was missing. That for whatever reason I wasn’t accessing something that I knew could open me up to an entirely different way of life and feeling, and healing, and loving. I remember as a child, sitting and watching my father while he read at the kitchen table. His forehead creased, deep in thought. At that young age, I sensed a deep sadness within him. Years later, after I dropped out of college and was trying to desperately find myself… I came across my first Rilke poem. It rocked me. I was blown away that this person from another time and place was able to encapsulate the very essence of what, at that time, was absolutely breaking my heart. I will never forget sitting on the floor of the local library, buried under a pile of books, and reading:
“I beg you, be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
I came home, locked myself in my room, and read every piece of Rilke I could get my hands on. Later that night I joined my father in the kitchen and noticing my puffy eyes he asked, “what is it that has you so afraid?”. I told him that I was sure that no one would ever truly understand me. I will never forget the gentleness and love in his voice as he put his arms around me and murmured, “But sweetie, don’t you know that is the best part?”
I often think about that moment as one of the very pivotal points in my young life. It made it okay to delve in deeper, to look at my time spent in solace as a gift. To realize that it didn’t matter if no one understood me, as long as I understood myself. It’s what drives me to come here and post. I suppose because as my search within deepens I have found a truth that I want to share with all of you. Something that is so utterly simplistic and basic, and yet so many of us travel great lengths in the wrong ass direction to find it. If only we could wrap our minds, NO, if only we could wrap our HEARTS around the idea that the greatest lesson we need to learn, must be taught to us by OURSELVES.
As I sat next to my father’s hospital bed, the night before he died, I racked my brain for what I wanted to say to him. He was unconscious, but I knew that no matter the state of his brain, he could hear me in his heart. I thought about how in life, we often think about this day… what will you say to the one you love when it’s time to say goodbye for now? I always thought there would be a laundry list of items. So many things to say.
In that moment there was only one.
I just wanted him to know how much I loved him.
In the most awful, terrible moment of my life… I was so acutely aware of the love. In fact, it prevailed over any other emotion.
All is love. All is full of love.
You are love. I am love.
This is the lesson that you must teach yourself. NOPE, It’s not enough to nod your head and say yeah yeah yeah. You have to FEEL it people. I want you to KNOW it. I want you to feel it pull at you from your insides in such a way that if I were to turn you inside out I would be smacked in the face, blinded and burned, blown away by the fucking cacophony of love bliss pouring out your veins and arteries and organs and bones. How do you know if your own assuredness of love is in question? Have you felt lonely in this lifetime? Do you search for contentment through money and toys and houses and success and AND AND AND OTHER PEOPLE…. LOVERS, FRIENDS,RELATIONSHIPS???
BE FUCKING HONEST!
DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE LOVE???
And the fact that some of you are rolling your eyes and calling this new age bullshit (I mean I’m shocked if those same people have even continued reading this far) is ABSOLUTE PROOF that this subject matter makes us so uncomfortable that we believe the only people who think or feel this way tote around yoga mats and go barefoot and naked, singing kumbaya in the rain.
If there is a part of you that longs for something more. That wonders why life feels so difficult at times. If you feel like you can’t catch a break, or that it seems that everywhere you look there’s heartbreak, and sorrow, and fear. Stop what you are doing. Stop right now. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Now turn within. See inside yourself; if it’s dark as hell, that’s okay. Darkness is just the absence of light, so we’re gonna bring a little in… imagine a small speck of glitter, a tiny particle of light…. it twinkles at first, and now it’s starting to grow. It doesn’t have to get too big, there’s plenty of time for that. Just let it be. You’ve just planted your first seed. It’ll be there whenever you need to check back in. Try to allow yourself to understand how deliciously perfect you are in this moment. and the next. and the next. And the more that you accept that the fact that no one else is like you is UH-maaaaaaaazing, the more that little glitter seed will blossom. I’m talking the biggest baddest 1970’s dance floor where you take the main stage and everyone’s bathed in the luscious light of your multi-faceted disco ball o’ LOVE.
All is love. All is full of love. You are love.
Doesn’t matter if you believe me or not, you are. I hope one day you will see. The beauty is, once you see it in yourself, you will recognize it in everyone else. And that will be the end of loneliness as you know it.
I slip in and out of the Sea at night with this
Amazed soul I have.
I am like a magnificent, magic ocean turtle
Who sets aside his vast wings of
When I crawl upon your shores
To leave my divine seed of verse.
Let me remain cryptic tonight
All the way till dawn
As I orbit God
In this holy, ecstatic mood.
Grab hold of the corners
Of my luminous, tender shell
And I will whirl for you,
For I am covered with eminent crystals
That I have gathered from the infinite depths
Follow my tracks in the sand that lead
Beyond thought and space,
For I can see deep down
That you are really a golden bird
That needs to