Happy

by bkajlich

There are many things that I love.  But this:

And these:

are the bee’s knees as far as I’m concerned. A night by the fire, curled up with a good book or talking with friends is about as good as it gets for me. And cupcakes! They’re like cake! Only smaller! What’s not to love? So, with my ceiling leak worsening by the hour, and no end in sight to the torrential downpour outside… I toasted the first fire in my new abode with cupcakes from Yummy’s in Santa Monica(if this is my trainer John reading this, I only had a bite…. everyone else, I definitely had more than one.).  This is one happy girl.

I’m trying to get this post in early tonight.  You see, I’ve gotten myself into somewhat of a vicious cycle with my sits and posts.  Not sure if any of you have noticed, but sometimes my blog additions are posted kinda late at night, or very early in the morning depending how you look at it. I’m pretty sure my mother is the only one who checks that sort of thing…. yesterday her voicemail started with; “What were you doing up at 3AM?!?!?”  I’m not naturally a night owl, but lately one thing leads to another and suddenly it’s the middle of the night.  Then my sits suffer because I try to catch as many z’s as possible before my day’s schedule starts and I don’t get to my meditation until later. Usually it’s squeezed in as is convenient… and that’s just not the way this process should be unfolding. So here I is, trying to be a good girl and get some sleep tonight.

This brings to mind a book that I’ve read multiple times, called “Going on Being” by Mark Epstein. It’s an autobiographical account of his experiences with buddhism and psychotherapy.  It’s a really interesting read, and every time I pick it up I am fascinated to find that there are parts that make even more sense to me as my own practice deepens.

Epstein writes, “Using our capacity for consciousness, we can change perspective on ourselves, giving a sense of space where once there was only habit. Discipline means restraining the habitual movement of the mind, so that instead of blind impulse there can be clear comprehension.”

This to me, is one of the most exciting effects of meditation. When you start to become aware of your own habit patterns, a whole new world of possibility unfolds before your eyes… YOUR eyes! I absolutely love moments where I witness myself doing something and for the first time it hits me, “good god, I do this??”  It may be that I catch myself in judgement, or I realize that my intentions for doing a particular thing aren’t what I have led myself to believe they were.  Whatever the case may be, the absolute coolest aspect of the whole deal is that you start to hold yourself accountable.  You begin to realize that you really do want to be the best possible version of yourself and that only you can do something about it. This doesn’t mean that these habits will change overnight, but the awareness that they exist is, in and of itself a pretty phenomenal thing.

SO.  Here’s my confession.  I am coming clean about something I have observed about myself in regards to this blog. My pull here should be to my sits.  However, I am starting to notice that at times, the pull is more towards the writing of these posts than it is to the meditation itself.  I do myself, and all of you a disservice if I let my intention stray away from it’s original purpose, which was to sit 365 times in a row, and write about it.  I am, at the end of the day, a performer… and knowing that people read these posts, it can begin to feel like a performance, which is very alluring.  I want to make sure that I am writing because of my sits, not sitting because of what I want to write.

So now that I’ve blown the whistle on my sneaky, ego-maniac of a mind, I can keep an eye on myself and make sure that what is brought to you each evening comes from the purest of intentions.  I really love sharing this journey of mine with all of you and love when you do the same. Tell me about your own path! Tell me your stories, your dreams, books you love to read and quotes that inspire you.  There is a beautiful world of words out there, and we do the brilliant minds who wrote them such a service when we pass them along to each other.

And on that note…

an early good night from this fireplace sittin, cupcake eatin, big smilin, life lovin fool.  xxB