After the storm…

by bkajlich

hi. here I am.  Today was 6 months to the day that we said goodbye for now.  I haven’t written here because I felt like the only thing I’d keep writing about would be my grief about my papa… and to be fair even he would have hated that.  So I waited until I arrived here…

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

I have played this song by Mumford and Sons a traflapazillion times in the last few months.  I know that’s not a real number, but the real ones didn’t sound like enough times.  And if you still haven’t caught my drift, you’re an idiot and I played it a LOT.  I played it by myself, I played it with my family, I played it with passengers in my car, I played it with my pooches…and even they cried.  It just was the right song at the right time.  I’d like to thank those Mumford boys, and also maybe just submit a small inquiry as to how Marcus Mumford happens to have 3 children that look remarkably close to his own age….

bad jokes aside…

Rilke wrote:

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time,
and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.

What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.

In the same poem(which is called “The Man Watching” read the full poem here ) my favorite line comes at the end…

“winning does not tempt that man. He grows by being defeated, decisively, by constantly greater beings.”

wow. just wow.  Grief is one of the big guns, and in a way… you just have to let it defeat you.  Doesn’t mean you don’t put up a big fight.  But it’s not about winning. It’s about letting it break you down, tear you open; ripping out all that you have left within and poking its fingers inside your most delicate, fleshy parts.  It’s about keeping your humor intact and your heart OH YOUR HEART open open open while everything inside you is screaming to shut it the fuck down.  It’s about the realization that what you were before will never ever exist again. It is knowing that you must. go. through. this. because life lives and breathes on the other side. It is acceptance at it’s most brutally raw core.

After the storm, I’m still picking up the pieces.  Have a feeling I will be for some time. But as my sister says, “May we never be defeated by anything or anyone less than the greatest”.  And my dad was just that.  From here on out, my goal is to get back to the original spirit of this blog.  Or as my dad would have said, “Sheet got-dammit! Vat eez dis sheet?!”

…. with grace in my heart, and flowers in my hair. xxb