The Space In Between

by bkajlich

yeah, so….  I have changed the name of my blog.  I initially started here by way of a pact that my sister, mother and myself made to run, walk, and sit, respectively, for a year and write about it. Never mind that my mom was the only one who actually made it the full 365 walks and write-about-its.  I’ve never really been one to stick to an agenda, so why start now. Hence, the change.  365 days have long come and gone.  I sat my big ol ass down for the majority of those days.  Some days I did. Some  I didn’t.  Sometimes I faked it and played with my phone with one eye open. I’m guessing those sits probably didn’t count (ya think?).  What I do know is that in the last year and a half my world has flipped upside down, inside out, under, over, on itself, in itself, from the top to the bottom, bottom to the top, start breathing, stop breathing, help me help me, out of air, too much air, panic, depression, shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

SILENCE.

THE SPACE IN BETWEEN.  The eye of the storm. The place after the start but before the finish.  The great pause between the inhale and the exhale.  The folds within the cosmos from which my father sends his love.  The part of the vortex where everything I was before disappears and my raw amoebic underbelly emerges alone, ready, willing to become whatever it must be to encapsulate my authentic truth.

So what is it? What truth do I need to know more than anything right now? Every day it shifts. Every minute, every hour as the cells divide, multiply, live and die, the idea of what I need to know changes landscapes. Some mornings when I wake up it is already upon me, pressing at the base of my skull, making me nervous and fidgety. Sometimes it’s a wisp of a ghost, largely undetected save for the occasional draft that raises my skin. Other days it trots behind me, like an obedient  dog on a leash. I fall prey to the illusion that I am in control, that the thin line connecting us means I have mastered the beast.

And then there are the nights.  The space in between being awake and asleep.  That very  last breath of consciousness before I drift into the inner mesh of my minds eye.  That moment where I have so many times before heard a very distinct whisper… “YOU ALREADY KNOW”.

 

No longer shall you need.
You always wanted to believe,
Just ask and you’ll receive,
Beyond your wildest dreams.

I know. I already know. I already know how this will end.  Everything we could possibly want to know exists within us already. It always has. It always will.  It’s truly just up to us whether or not we want to listen.  And it takes work. My god it takes back breaking, tear gushing, rip yer heart out while it’s still pumpin the blood through your damn body work.  There are days when I want to freaking tear my clothes off, jump in the ocean, swim and swim and never look back.  There are days when I want to curl up in a ball, under my covers, and never answer another phone call or email ever again.

AND AND AND there are days when I am MAGIC. When everything glows and I feel like a vibrant pulsating spectacular mammal of a woman.  I want to grab strangers by their faces and kiss them kiss them kiss them…. Days that I am truly aware of the power that burns from my loins to the tips of my fingers and toes, a force that DARES anyone to even so much as point a pinky in the direction they think I should be going….

and this is my authentic truth.  The truth that I need to know more than anything right now.  It’s all here. It’s all within. It’s all ok.  I am already everything I want to be… And so are you.

As long as I breathe into the space in between, I already know.

xxb